How to mess up your marriage in 24 hours

A humorous look at marriage.

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  • Husband, 6 a.m.: Wake up…well, don’t really wake up, just hit the snooze button a few times to make sure your wife can’t get back to sleep.

  • Wife, 6:10 a.m.: Decides to just get up and turn on some music. Start exercising. There is nothing like Zumba first thing in the morning! Stomp as loud as possible.

  • 7 a.m.: Wake up for good this time. It was hard to sleep through all that racket, anyway.

  • 8 a.m.: After surfing the Internet for a few minutes, head to work late. Don’t bother saying goodbye to your family – just leave.

  • 8:30 a.m.: Feed the kids and get them off to school. Leave the dishes and breakfast mess for your husband when he gets home. Facebook with your friends. “Friend” an old boyfriend from high school. Your husband won’t mind. Watch TV and lounge around. No need to shower…he doesn’t notice anyway.

  • 9 a.m.: Hit on your secretary. Your wife will never know.

  • 11 a.m.: Text a buddy about what a drag it is that the old lady won’t let you go golfing with him. Get in a few good digs, she’s not there!

  • 11:02 a.m.: Realize you accidentally sent the message to your wife. Send her a follow up, “I’m only kidding!”

  • 11:05 a.m.: Forward text to your mother, sister, and best friend. Get in a few good digs of your own. They should know what you have to put up with.

  • 12 p.m.: Tell your wife you can’t come home for lunch – you had a meeting come up.

  • 12:01 p.m.: Go to your “meeting” – an hour surfing the ‘net while eating a microwave burrito.

  • 12:15 p.m.: Call up your friend and go to lunch at an expensive restaurant. Husband bash. Make sure you order dessert. What are a few extra pounds nowadays?

  • 5 p.m.: Blow off your family and go hang out with some friends. They were going to watch the game, and you really wanted to do that.

  • 5 p.m.: Make your husband’s least favorite dinner since he didn’t show up for lunch

  • 5:15 p.m.: Husband hasn’t arrived. Text. Call. Text again. Demand to know where he is. Text again. Facebook a complaint about how your husband never comes home on time. Call him again. Nagging is so important! Otherwise, men never get anything done.

  • 5:15 p.m.: Put your phone on silent. Your wife nags like a champ, that’s why you never answer her calls.

  • 7:30 p.m.: Arrive home. Don’t explain why you were so late. Your wife can be such a drag! Instead, demand dinner. You ate at the sports bar, but what’s a second dinner among friends?

  • 7:45 p.m.: Don’t speak a single word to him when he arrives. Not one. Don’t make eye contact. Drop food on the table and leave.

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  • 8 p.m.: Ask your wife why the house is such a mess? Feel free to insult her dinner by nitpicking some detail. Nothing is too minor! What does she do all day anyway?

  • 9:30 p.m.: When your wife confronts you about some images that she came across on your computer, blame your kids no matter how old they are. She’ll never know.

  • 9:45 p.m.: Google “pornography.” Read it to him word for word. Facebook what you find to all your friends. Email your ecclesiastical leader and BCC your mother and mother-in-law. These things can get dangerous if left too long. Better safe than sorry!

  • Both, 10:30 p.m.: Shout. A lot. That always makes things better

  • 11 p.m.: Don't apologize for anything. Apologies are for the weak, and you are strong. Your spouse should be put in their place, and if they don’t like it there, they can leave!

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Beau Sorensen is the COO of First Choice Home Health & Hospice, a health care company.

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