My boyfriend/husband likes pornography – is it really such a big deal?

Here is the blunt truth about the dangers of pornography use – dangers that have nothing to do with a personal value system.

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  • A huge lie being promoted by the pornography industry is that pornography is a harmless personal choice and those who oppose pornography are trying to push their personal values onto others. Here is the blunt truth about the dangers of pornography use – dangers that have nothing to do with a personal value system.

    • When a guy is exposed to pornography, relationships become strictly about sex- you, as a person, don’t matter much.

    • Pornography portrays relationships where women are treated like objects, where they like to be degraded and are often harmed. It becomes increasingly difficult for a guy, who is viewing pornography, not to treat a girl friend or wife like this.

    • Compassion, empathy, being unselfish – these are things that don’t happen when pornography is a part of your relationship. The guy’s world is all about him and his wants – your needs and feelings don’t matter than much.

    • Your boyfriend or husband will probably care more about sex and how your look than who you are and what you think. This will damage your self esteem and confidence.

    • Your boyfriend or husband is learning that violence and coercion are an acceptable part of a relationship. Are you comfortable with that?

    • Are you OK with your boyfriend or husband cheating on you? A guy may say that he he’s faithful, but statistics show that when you view pornography, the idea of being faithful to your partner is no longer a part of your thinking. You start looking for ways to cheat in a relationship and get away with it.

  • It’s likely that your relationship is clouded with deceit, drama-based, fear or lust based, and draining. Can you honestly say that you a better person, because of being in this relationship?

  • The two charts, below, were created by Dr. Jill C. Manning, a nationally recognized expert in the field of pornography addiction. The charts make it clear why pornography use and healthy relationships don’t go together.

  • Healthy vs Pornography Sexuality

  • Dr. Jill C. Manning

  • Healthy Sexuality                                                                                                 

  • Pornography

  • Loving

  • Lustful

  • Private

  • Public

  • Unifying

  • Isolating

  • Honest

  • Deceptive

  • Anchored in reality

  • Fantasy based

  • Body is sacred

  • Body is an object, toy or weapon

  • Enhances well being

  • Decreases well being

  • Advertisement
  • Respectful and honorable

  • Degrading

  • Involves loving someone

  • Involves using or harming someone

  • Spiritually meaningful

  • Spiritually deadening

  • Socially responsible and beneficial

  • Socially irresponsible & costly

  • Involves mutual consent and volition

  • Often involves violence and coercion

  • Associated with life and joy

  • Associated with crime, abuse, infidelity, addiction, prostitution and divorce

  • Healthy vs Toxic Relationships

  • Dr. Jill C. Manning

  • Healthy Relationships

  • Toxic Relationships

  • Rooted in honesty and truth

  • Clouded with deceit and lies

  • Mutual respect apparent

  • Disrespect demonstrated by one or both

  • Trust and safety are present

  • Distrust is present

  • Drama is limited and acute

  • Drama based

  • Feels energizing, hopeful, empowering and good

  • Feels draining, confusing, depressing or shameful

  • Growth promoting

  • Hinders or stagnates growth

  • Problems addressed openly and differences respected

  • Problem solving avoided and differences threatening

  • Increases sense of freedom

  • Increases sense of entrapment, control & manipulation

  • Appropriate boundaries exist and are respected

  • Boundaries are difficult to detect or are breached

  • Encourages self respect and selflessness

  • Breeds selfishness

  • Increases well being

  • Decreases well being

  • Love based

  • Fear or lust based

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Ann H. Tolley is the director of the S.A. Lifeline Foundation and a licensed attorney.


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