If you are interested in earning total disrespect and loss of affection of your children, I have the secret formula right here. Here are 10 easy steps to get your kids to completely dislike you. Also, here are 12 ways to be the meanest mom in the world.
Hover over them at the playground. If they have friends over, stay in the room and openly listen to every word they say. Make weekly visits to their school to see how they're doing. Forget the old adage, "Absence makes the heart grow fonder." Stick to them like glue.
Be one of the gang
Buy your clothes at the same shops and dress like a hipster. Joke around with their friends. Use their lingo. "Friend" their friends on Facebook. Give them the 411 on their friends before they even know it.
Disclose the gritty details of your youth
Let them know how cool and rebellious you were when you were their age. Tell them about all the trouble you got into. Make sure to disclose all experimentation and dangerous escapades. If you have brushes with the law, throw those in, too.
When they aren't around, look for their diary or journal. Listen in on phone calls. Go through their drawers. Ask their friends about them. Give them long interrogations when they get home from a date. Smell their breath. Go through their pockets.
Share intimate details with their friends
When they have friends over, tell about the time they ate the air freshener or ran down the street naked. Let them know about the time they snuck into the cookie jar and wound up sick as a dog. Bring out bathtub pictures and photos of the time they had that rash all over.
When you have your friends over, make them play that new piece on the piano or sing that solo. Have them recite that poem they had to memorize for school. Show them off like a trained monkey.
When they don't live up to your expectations, make sure they know about it. If they get an "A," ask why they didn't get an "A+." When they fumble the ball, tell them you expect more of them. If they miss a note, roll your eyes and shake your head in disgust. Too much praise will make them lazy.
Get involved in their personal affairs
If they break up with their special someone, get involved. Call and ask what went wrong. Set up a meeting where you can act as mediator for them. Get the other parents involved. Make it work.
If they are having trouble at work, call the boss and let him know you are on the case. If they get lax in school, do some assignments for them to get them caught up. Let their coach know that they sometimes struggle with practice. Tell their teachers that they just broke up and are a little sad and to cut them some slack. Head off all trouble at the pass.
Be their bestie
Always tell them how hip you are to what's going on and that you're their friend. Don't hand out punishment like the uncool parents. Have regular rap sessions. Just don't call them that. Never lose your cool with them. Hang out a lot.
There you have it. If your object is to lose your child's respect and make them dislike you, follow these 10 easy steps. Start out slow or, for more effective results, slam them with all 10.