I was recently asked by a kid named Mo who was taking a survey at a car wash, what, in my opinion, I thought women really wanted.
Why he couldn't have asked me something easy, like how to fix Obama care or what role the United States would play in future world economics is beyond me.
I told him I didn't know. Without looking up from his clip board he told me that, "I don't know" wasn't an answer. He was right.
I was right as well: I didn't know. I was there at the car wash, the hubbub of high school statistics classes to wash dog puke out of our nice living room rug, and I was standing there with that very rug in my hands. I quickly came up with an answer he seemed to accept. At least Mo wrote it down.
"My wife — who is a woman — would like to have cute and cuddly dogs that are not prone to eating trash and projectile vomiting.
The total sum of my knowledge
I have nine sisters, three mothers, two daughters and, hopefully, still one wife. I actually know something concerning women, but it's miniscule and not what you think. It is this:
Women hate being clumped up into one category
Declarations such as, "Here is what women like," regardless of the author's gender, really chap their hide — if they had a hide, which I don't mean to imply.
This is how I know the truth of that last statement:
I called my sister up and mentioned, in passing, that I was writing an essay about what women want. There was a weighted pause, and a cool rush of air blew over the phone directly from Pocatello's east side. Then she said, "Suppose you first tell me what you think you know."
Oh, my. What had I gotten myself into? She had not been that cool in a response since I asked her why there was a dent in my avocado green Ford Pinto 30 years ago.
I assured her I was just kidding and told her about some cute little thing her niece had done that week to change the subject — and she pretended not to be making a voodoo doll with my name on it.
Later, I told my wife how my sister had responded when I told her about my essay. She laughed and said, "How perfect! Just a moment. Let me get my sisters on the line and you can regale us all."
I slowly backed out of the room, not blinking, showing no fear. When I felt the hard floor of the kitchen I turned and made a break for it.
That evening I called my father to commiserate on my bad luck, and he coughed up a lung and had to hang up the phone. I think his wife was listening on the other end.
So, I am on my own when I venture an opinion on six things women want.
1. Please don't clump them together
into a giant hunk of women-hood-tude-kind. Women are all different, just like snowflakes and cell phone plans. Some are kind and will let you make a fool of yourself, and others are humored by silly things men do in earnest because we try to please them using what we read in "Burley Man magazine."
2. Many of them like running water
(spurting is not good enough). Also, they want to be able to turn the water off.
3. Often, they appreciate us helping the kids with their homework
, especially if it involves salt clay or frogs.
4. Paying the bills
is never frowned upon.
5. Laundry done and folded
is not for amateurs. If you don’t know what you’re doing, stick to mopping the floor.
6. Treating them like an individual
and not taking seriously any of the, “What women want,” lists is always good.
When it doubt, try asking them what they want, and what they think, and what they need from you. My experience is that they will tell you.