21 (hilariously tragic) tips on how to prepare for a baby

'Dress yourself, then pour milk on yourself'

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  • This is Laura Mazza. She's a sassy blogger and mom to two kids.

  • And when it comes to preparing for a new baby, she's got a few hilarious points. Here are her21 tips on getting ready to be a mom:

  • 1. Set an alarm for every two hours. The alarm has to be loud enough for your neighbour to hear and it has to be high pitch and repetitive.

  • 2. Let the alarm go off for one hour and run around your house hysterical. If at night, make sure to fall asleep 10 minutes before the alarm goes off again.

  • 3. Wake up at 4am.

  • 4. Dress yourself, then pour milk on yourself

  • 5. Soak your bed in milk

  • 6. Spray milk on your chest in two patches

  • 7. Don't shower

  • 8. Shower once after 8 days and turn off and on the water. Get out once you have put shampoo in your hair

  • 9. Stop brushing your teeth

  • 10. Go to bed at 8, but stay awake until 1am, if anyone asks tell them you're trying to have some me time.

  • 11. Eat food one handed

  • 12. Make sure it's cold

  • 13. Make 20 cups of coffee. Don't drink any of them.

  • 14. Go for a walk with a pram, pretend you're invisible and encourage people to only talk about and to your pram.

  • 15. When someone asks you "how's things?" Just talk about poo and sleep.

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  • 16. Cry. A lot.

  • 21 tips on how to prepare for a baby: 1. Set an alarm for every two hours. The alarm has to be loud enough for your...

    Posted by Laura Mazza - Mum on the Run on Tuesday, September 12, 2017
  • 17. Get wireless internet so you can google everything, practice googling "reflux, colic, why isn't my baby sleeping, why does my baby hate me, how do I put my baby back in my uterus?"

  • 18. Eat cake, nothing but cake

  • 19. Ask people for advice on everything, tell them to get really extensive with it and condescending.

  • 20. Wake up in the middle of the night confused and scream "where's the baby?"

  • 21. Watch your partner sleep and imagine shoving a stick into his snoring mouth. Hate him... The more you ignore or yell the better it'll be for him when the baby comes - if he looks confused... you are ready.

  • Good luck! And enjoy future mummas. May the force be with you.

  • Her viral post had more than 19,000 comments on it. Some people were upset at her satire, while others chimed in with additional points.

  • "Also stop doing any kind of housework for a while. Throw random bits of laundry around the house and a few boxes of breast pads and nappies everywhere just so you can get the hang of stepping over things," writes one woman.

  • Another adds, "You forgot rocking constantly from side to side in the checkout line while holding a loaf of bread."

  • Would you add anything to Laura's list?

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Amberlee is the content manager for FamilyShare.com and earned a degree in journalism. She creates beautiful things with her experience in writing, graphic design, photography, video and music. She loves her family, the outdoors, baby foxes and podcasts.

Website: https://amberleepeterson.com/

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