Porn star broke down and begged God to show her He’s real — what happened next totally changed her

'God, if you're real, I need you to tell me.'

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  • Ex-porn star Crissy Outlaw has been speaking out for the past decade about what drew her into adult filmmaking - and why she eventually abandoned her lucrative career.

  • Outlaw, who is now an outspoken Christian, recently told the Daily Mail that she can't believe she ever went into porn, adding that she feels "called" to tell people why she left the industry. She expresses this same sentiment on her website as well, explaining how difficult it has been to contend with her dark past .

  • "Most people can think about their pasts and can easily hide it ... never sharing it with anyone for the rest of their lives. The evidence and consequences of my past mistakes will never go away," Outlaw writes on her website. "I have to deal with this daily, and it isn't easy. I find happiness in using my past to help others who might be going down a similar path."

  • Outlaw told the Daily Mail about the sexual abuse she suffered as a young child and described the emotional scars from an abortion she had at the tender age of 17. She described the aftermath of the abortion as "one of the most traumatic things that happened" to her.

  • "I was fully awake and aware of everything going on during the abortion and my heart was shattered while the life was literally being sucked out of me," Outlaw said of the experience. "It was awful ... my school knew about my abortion and I lost all my friends."

  • Additionally, during her early years, Outlaw experienced numerous failed relationships that left her feeling inadequate. She described to the Daily Mail the particularly devastating effect that pornography had on her self-esteem.

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  • "I never felt good enough for the men I dated. I didn't feel beautiful because they looked at porn during sex with me," she said. "I thought, am I not good enough for you that you can't only look at me?"

  • She apparently felt so "worthless" that she ended up choosing to pursue pornography, aspiring to be one of the women that so many men viewed as the object of their fantasy. By age 23, she had jumped right into the industry, appearing in more than 50 films between 2001 and 2006, and bringing in $1,000 per film - up to $15,000 per month.

  • At first, Outlaw said she was cautious and scared to do porn. But before long, she had simply "checked out," telling the Daily Mail that "the sense of danger was exciting, because I wanted to end up dead, that was just how messed up I was."

  • Outlaw's past abuse, life decisions and porn career eventually started catching up with her until one day, she found herself falling to the ground and begging God to show Himself to her.

  • "God, if you're real, I need you to tell me," she recalled saying. "I need a sign because everything I know about love isn't right."

  • The next day, Outlaw said she was on a film set visiting her boyfriend, who was an actor, when she met a man who asked her if she had accepted Jesus. Seeing the conversation as the sign she had been seeking, she started tearing up and agreed to rededicate her life to Christ. The two prayed together and, from that moment on, Outlaw never did another shoot and stopped accepting money for porn.

  • Leaving it all behind wasn't all that easy, however, as Outlaw was forced to abandon everything she knew. On her website, she explains that the financial impact alone was quite difficult to contend with. She left her boyfriend, lost her car and could barely pay for food.

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  • "I dealt with PTSD, and I was forced to look at myself in the mirror," she writes on her website. "I didn't recognize the girl looking back at me. I didn't know her."

  • But through therapy, church attendance, Bible reading and mentorship, Outlaw was able to get her life back on track. Now, she shares her story with people across the country, warning them of the lasting, corrosive consequences of working in the porn industry.

  • This article was originally published on Faithwire. It has been republished here with permission.

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