18 ways to keep your husband entertained at the mall

He's made it very clear he's NOT going into that store with you. Now what?

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  • There's a reason we've owned the same clothes for the last 15 years. We hate shopping (unless it's for tools). We'll accompany you to the mall because we like being with you, but our resolve quickly dissolves when JCPenney looms before us.

  • Color drains from his face.

  • He's still holding your hand, but he's stopped walking.

  • He starts hyperventilating.

  • You roll your eyes.

  • Here are your options:

  • 1. Massage chairs

  • Give him a few dollars and two thumbs up.

  • 2. Hot pretzel

  • Hot pretzels are like milkshakes and tax returns. Everybody loves hot pretzels. Get him one. Pat him on the head and go about your business.

  • 3. Movie theater

  • "Rambo IX Fourth Blood Back in Action?! See you later, Honey."

  • 4. Spiral coin drop donation

  • Give him a roll of pennies and drop him off at the coin funnel. Those things are mesmerizing.

  • 5. Broken car

  • Discreetly remove a vital engine part. Complain to your husband in the mall parking lot that the car won't start. Let him figure it out while you check out deals at Nordstrom.

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  • 6. Kids arcade

  • Husbands will take the arcade over Claire's any day.

  • 7. Cell phone booth

  • Just get him in the near vicinity and in the eye-line of the salesperson running the booth. The salesperson will take care of the rest.

  • 8. Revolving door

  • Walk away quickly. You don't know him.

  • 9. Difficult riddles

  • Grab him by the shoulders outside of Ann Taylor. Look deeply into his eyes and say, "What occurs in every minute, twice in every moment but never in a thousand years?" Tie his ankle to a bench outside so he doesn't wander.

  • 10. Popular Mechanics magazine

  • Keep a current version of this magazine in your purse. When you get to Urban Outfitters, lob the magazine like a grenade towards your husband and run.

  • 11. Clothes forts

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  • Allow him to create a fort in the circular clothing racks. Husbands pretend they're too old for such frivolous activities, but he's really just waiting for your permission.

  • 12. Imaginary tool

  • Send him to find a tool that does not exist: "Honey, can you go get me a hexiflexigon capacitor for the dishwasher? Ours broke."

  • 13. Dad clan

  • There's usually a group of dads outside of Forever 21. Drop him off there. Tell him to try to make a new friend.

  • 14. Phone games

  • Let him play on your phone. Solitaire will do fine.

  • 15. Dressing room return pile

  • Husbands like to have a quest. Have him help out the dressing room patron and return unwanted clothes to the racks.

  • 16. WD-40 fixes

  • Give him some WD-40 and set him loose. If it squeaks, he'll fix it. Janitorial will appreciate it.

  • 17. Rubik's Cube and Cheerios

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  • You were saving those for your toddler, but if he gets frustrated with the cube you might need a backup.

  • 18. Escalators

  • Need I say more?

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David Snell is a writer for the FamilyShare team, specializing in humor writing. He's trilingual (English, Spanish and Movie Quotes), passionate about all things communication and is always up for learning something new.

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