How to raise superficial children

Looking to raise a thoughtless and hollow generation? Follow these time-tested tactics, and they'll be well on their way downhill in no time.

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  • Strong minds are on their way out. The new "in" trend is to be as shallow as you can. It seems that modern culture is so fast-paced that "deep" people are just left behind.

  • Why scuba dive when you can waterski?

  • It can be a serious problem for parents in this new age to keep up with the clip of what's hip. In order to keep your family up to speed, stick to these seasoned principles; your kids will be skin-deep for sure their whole lives.

  • 1. Keep their eyes on the screen

  • The TV, the tablet, the computer, the smart phone are all pillars of our tech universe. Kids love technology. A bright, fun screen serves as babysitter, teacher, entertainer, and parent all at the same time. You virtually don't even need to be there for your kids with a trusty screen nearby.

  • Make sure they get several of their own personal screens early, well before their teen years if you can. Don't be afraid to set up a TV in their room and get their iPod connected to the Wi-Fi. Spend time on the same couch with them watching the same screen, but try not to interrupt the show.

  • 2. Sign up on social media

  • This is closely connected to their need for screens, but deserves its own point. Social media is a hotbed of trivial stuff. Show them how to play all the best games on Facebook. Encourage them to preen and fuss over their profile pictures and compare themselves to everyone else. Praise them when they sign on for more than three hours a day, and don't overlook how important the online friend count is.

  • Don't forget all the other options they have for social media as well. Everything from Snapchat to Twitter, sign them up and get them going. Its best when your children's social pool online is bigger than the one they have in person. This might prove to be the best thing you can do to help them stay fleeting.

  • 3. Downplay reading

  • Reading is the most destructive thing to a superficial life. Yeah, there's all that stuff to read online, but it's not actually for reading; it's for scrolling. Seriously, who really reads all that?

  • Sometimes articles online can be as long as ten whole paragraphs, or more. I'm surprised you've read this far in this article, for crying out loud. Teach your kids to read only enough of an article to completely misunderstand what it's trying to say. And this leads perfectly into the next point...

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  • 4. Get outraged

  • Make special effort to help your children become irrationally furious over anything online, or about their life in general. Teach them to respond with vicious, barbed, corrosive words against anyone or anything they don't like. Make certain they cannot tolerate different opinions; don't waste your time teaching them to be civil. Civility is a dead virtue.

  • 5. Be devoid of conviction

  • Although your children need to be hostile toward any other view or belief, they shouldn't really have any of their own. The only thing they really need to believe is that anything goes and nothing matters. Everything is true and everything is false.

  • Let me be more specific: guide your children's hatred toward other views not only because they do not agree with them, but because the very thought that someone could think right and wrong exists, is maddening.

  • Don't let your children have any concrete thoughts about any facet of life; they will thank you later for the instability.

  • 6. Don't think

  • It's dangerous ground letting your children dwell too long on things. More often than not, taking time to think will encourage your children to move away from some of the more pointless parts of the mainstream, undoing all of your hard work. The name of the game here is constant stimulation. Keep them moving from one source of shallow garbage to another, and they won't have time to ask themselves hard questions.

  • Living the superficial life is not without its challenges. In fact, it might seem these principles can leave you utterly ill-equipped for doing anything real with your life. Not to worry, there is safety in numbers. Literally everyone around you is just as disengaged from reality.

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