When we broke up you said several things that I can't stop thinking about.
First, you said that I could do much better than you and that I deserve more. You said that you're not good enough for me. I hate those words more than you'll ever know. Because what you really wanted to say was, "You're not good enough, and I want to see if I can do better."
You said that I need to be more vulnerable; that I need to open up and take risks. However, that is very difficult when you won't make any kind of commitment. I never know how you feel about me, and every time we're together I feel like you're judging if our relationship will work out or not. It's hard to be myself when things are so undefined and confusing.
You haven't told any of your friends or family about us so how do you expect me to act around them? Of course I'm going to be shy and cautious. The truth is you're the one that needs to be more vulnerable. You have my heart, but I don't think I have yours. Honesty and vulnerability can only exist when there is some kind of commitment and trust.
You said you wanted to date someone who was more into music. Okay. I don't buy that. First, if that was so important to you, you would've never initiated a relationship with me in the first place. You knew long ago that I don't play the guitar or sing and that I'm not very familiar with the music you love.
Second, you just crushed me. I've spent my whole life trying to become someone awesome. I've worked and worked to become well-rounded, and yes, I'm not musical, but I have so many talents and skills that I've worked tirelessly to develop. And you just discounted all of that.
I may not be your dream girl, but keep in mind that you're not my dream guy either. You don't have the body of David Beckham, the dance moves of Channing Tatum or the voice of Justin Timberlake. But, I see in you what is most important. I see your heart. I see your goodness and kindness and ambition. I see the way you treat your siblings and the way you spend your free time. You're not the perfect man I pictured falling in love with, but I did fall in love with you.
You're right about a lot of things. There is definitely someone out there far more beautiful and talented and musical than I am. But even when you meet her, there will always be someone better.
I hope you never settle. But I also hope you recognize what's most important in the woman of your dreams, and when you find someone with those qualities, don't let her go.
Remember that you can spend a year judging if the relationship will work, or you can spend that time making it work.
I think you're afraid to commit; you're afraid that someone loves you and wants to be with you. You're simply acting out of fear. Commitment may seem scary, but you have no need to fear – you're with someone that sees in you what is most important, and she loves you.
Alyssa graduated with a degree in Middle East Studies & Arabic and continually adds to her list of random life experiences as she faces one adventure after another. With too many hobbies to count she especially loves hip-hop, soccer, and photography.