49½ of the worst baby names ever

De Markin' Racus Johnson and his lovely wife Havuseen announce the wedding of their daughter Anna Maybe Blue Johnson to R. Handsome Buoy Jones.

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  • There will be a future time when naming children after the lovely planet on which she was conceived will be charming. Or when celebrating the newest discovered element on the periodic chart as your child's middle name will rock the casbah.

  • That time is not now.

  • Naming your son or daughter after science projects won't fly in the long run. The name Plutonia will have to wait. So will the names Staro'thnorthand Kryptona.

  • It's not that the Sarah's, Jessica's and the David's of the world get to set the standards for appropriate and normal baby names. There isn't a list of baby names in good taste from which we choose. And because there is no guide book, there is a huge margin for error.

  • And there is error. Your child will have this name for his or her entire life. It will be read out loud at graduation and written on his or her tombstone.

  • With that in mind here are a few standards to make sure you don't end up spending you retirement money on your childs therapy:

  • Stay away from food

  • Food is not a name for your child. Nor is food left on the road, Carrion.

  • Don't care if you are a vegetarian, you should leave Cabbage alone.

  • Bean, Bacon? Dijon? Cobb? Eggburt? Eclair?

  • And don't think that anyone is fooled withMelony (are they going for Melenay?) It's both a food item and also misspelled.

  • Creative misspellings

  • Speaking of creative misspellings, Ledjend will never become one and Budz may have a hard time finding people to hang out with.

  • Chairish (as in chair-like) may be cherished indeed, but she will never know it. Nor will Raw'Bert.

  • Names that infer royalty

  • Majestic names or names that infer royalty should be left on their own as well — Royal, and Majesty for one and two. Prince.

  • Hyness? Even misspelled, it screams of silly tittle or a body part.

  • Body parts

  • Selecting a name after a body part, or names that rhyme with body parts, are a "no" as well. Assia Fallopian. Jenis.And don't think that you jumped that hurdle by misspelling said body part.

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  • Uteraz (as in Uterus) won't want to leave the basement when she reaches the age to spell it on her own.

  • Clever combinations

  • Clever combinations are better left to Saturday morning cartoons. Ninja Quest. Fol Moon, Adorabell. Ahmiracle Dunn.

  • Medical conditions

  • Medical conditions are also not a good source.Fervor. Dya Betty. Entropy.

  • Characters out of history

  • Heil was not Hitler's first name. Even if it had been, that would be a no. There is only one Churchill. And even a kid with a brain will not appreciate being called either EignstineorEinstein.

  • Names that are easily followed by "Bob," "Boy," "Bo" or "Ray."

  • Take those right off your list: Bob Bob; Boy Bob; Bo Boy or Ray Bob; Ray Bo; Bo Ray; Bobby Ray or Rae; and every other imaginable inversion.

  • Punched will be smacked every day of his life when who should really be punched is the parent.

  • Shield, Yaghness, Scranton, Phelonydon't really fit into a category, except "no".

  • These are lovely and original names — you think — until you realize that your poor son or daughter will be writing this name on their college application. For you this name is a way to stick-it-to-the-man. For your child, it is a reminder not to ride the bus.

  • Another question to ask yourself when considering a name: does the name look good at the bottom of a mug shot? Then choose another name.

  • Brianna Ole'. Resembles a beverage from the drink cart during spring break.

  • Try this at home

  • Practice on this list. Use "Bond, James Bond" as your template.Fill in the blank with the following names and see if you get chills:

  • Bond, Bond.

  • Sloth, Angus, Mangle, Boni, Copelia, Cinco de Mayo, Justin Bieber Pitt, Rhelei.

  • Americus, Basil, Parson, Polly Andria, Latreene.

  • Richard Vader,

  • Juannaquishia,

  • Younique,

  • Hamlet.

  • None of those names sound good even purred by a man in a tux with a dry martini, do they?

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  • Here are a few simple rules you may choose to follow — if you are a humanitarian and care for your fellow men — or women. Drop the name right of the list you show to grandma if:

    • It rhymes with a body part

    • It is easily mistaken for Klingon

    • You've seen it as a joke on Instagram

    • A tattoo artist would question the spelling.

    • You call out this name in Wal-Mart and people giggle

    • The name describes a Yugo character

  • Harshit and Harshita are classic Sanskrit (Indian) names meaning "full of happiness". But they don't translate well into English. Find another happy name.

  • Bottom line — remember to ask around and try to get feedback on any name you choose. Most name associations won't last long. Albert may remind you of the cartoon until it's the name of the tiny cherub in your arms.

  • When in doubt, go with your gut. The name you come up with will be perfect — even if it's not. Just like your baby.

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Davison Cheney attended a university to became proficient in music and theater, preparing him to be unemployed and to over-react. Check out his blog davisoncheneymegadad.blogspot.com

Website: http://davisoncheneymegadad.blogspot.com

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