Here are five things to do after you yell at your kids
When you were angry, your body was in survival mode – your heart rate was up, your breathing was shallow, your muscles were tense and your thinking was not clear. Get your brain and your body back on track with a few deep breaths. Do not say or do anything else until you have taken at least four really good breaths.
2. Watch for the Re-Trigger
Your kids might not be ready to give up the fight. It's easy to get worked up over the same issue again. Instead, remind yourself that you are only in charge of your own actions, and that you're modeling self-control (even if you blew it a few minutes ago). Find a mantra to keep you focused.
3. Take Responsibility (no BUTS!)
It doesn't matter who started it. Teach your children how to take responsibility without shifting the blame to someone else. You can do this out-loud by saying, "Wow, I'm so sorry, I really let my anger get out of control!" Keep the focus on you, don't add: "…but you shouldn't" or "…but you know better."
4. Give Yourself a Do-Over
Give yourself the chance to handle the situation differently by offering a "do-over." Say, "Ok, I'm going to try that again without the yelling" or "I was so angry earlier that I don't think I heard what you were trying to say." If you start to feel angry again, let it go. Take a break and try again later.
5. Repair the Relationship
If hurtful words were said, harsh punishments were given or physical aggression occurred, your children may feel disconnected from you. Set the situation aside temporarily, wait on giving consequences and focus instead on repairing the relationship with your kids.
Instead of pushing this aside and forgetting it ever happened, give yourself time to think about the situation once you're calm. What pushed your buttons? Was it a word or phrase your child used? Did you feel out-of-control? See if you can find a pattern or certain things that "trigger" you to respond with anger.
Do you find yourself getting angry often? Do you struggle with swinging between a calm mom and an angry mom? If you feel like you are stuck in an unhealthy pattern of anger, it might be time to get some outside help. Seek the support of a therapist or parent coach or open up to a trusted friend about your struggle. Do not go through this alone. Admitting that you struggle with anger doesn't mean you are a bad parent, it means that you have enough guts to take a look at yourself and admit that things need to change.
And that is a sign of a good parent.
Editor's note: This article was originally published on Imperfect Families. It has been republished here with permission.
Nicole Schwarz is a mom to 3 little girls, a Licensed Therapist and Parent Coach. Check out her blog, Imperfect Families for more positive parenting tips and learn more about how Parent Coaching can help you find solutions to your parenting challenges.