It's not hard to make this dad's day

It doesn't take much to make this dad happy.

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  • I am not a proud dad.

  • Let me restate that. I am a very proud dad. My kids are mostly grown up, and, with only one exception, they still have the body parts they started out with. None of them have a police record, thanks to the plea in abeyance thing, so, yeah, I am a little proud of that.

  • What I mean by the comment that I am not proud means that I am not picky. I will take whatever lame-o gift one of my kids comes up with. Shoe polish; any seven-in-one tool; duct tape in my favorite team's colors; a back-up lawn mower clippings bag from a yard sale. For me it's a badge of honor. I don't need it wrapped. I don't need a bow. You will never see my eyes roll or hear me say "It's the thought that counts." I like dad stuff.

  • I once got a coupon that had been folded and put in a plastic Easter egg. It was for 20 percent off all out-patient surgery so that when I get that thing removed I will not have to pay full price.

  • I couldn't stop smiling for a week.

  • The two-for-one adult braces card was awesome as well, though I don't know if that means for every tooth I have straightened I get one fixed for free, or if it means that when I get my over-bite adjusted my wife gets her hardware at a discount. Either way, cool and cool!

  • I keep all of my coupons written in crayons for hugs, free channel turning and lawn watering. Real coupons are great as well. The expiration dates don't really matter I have found. I have a pair of free tickets to Ghostbusters that I have had since 1984 and I plan on using them as soon as the remake comes out.

  • Coupons make your wallet look fat. Real dads are judged — and I don't care what Dr. Phil or Modern Macho Man Magazine says — by the size of their wallets. This becomes more important once your spouse has moved her way through "trophy wife" and into her "grandma" phase.

  • Coupons have saved the day for me more than once. Last week, for example, I re-gifted a fourth-tire-free coupon when we were late for a wedding reception. The groom didn't look at me funny like his bride did, because he knew a 75-dollar value when he saw one. He'll be a great dad.

  • And what is with this "Ties are silly and stereotypical gifts" thing? The neck tie is the quintessential, classic, typical standard — the strong, silent, always in-stock acknowledgement of a dude's masculinity.

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  • It is a fine gift for a dad, and no one is going to deny me that. Please don't pretend that it's a joke that the tie is ugly. All ties are ugly on purpose. A guy in a bad tie is a father or a grandfather, and he wears such a tie with honor like a teen wears his prom tux to church the next day.

  • In fact, dads don't need a tie that is super soft or made of silk because they are probably going to check the oil with it anyway. The more plain and heavy-duty the fabric, the better. If it can be run under the faucet after taking the garbage cans out to the road or having been peed on while changing a diaper — that's a good tie.

  • And what real man says "No" to socks? Dads love socks. Though I myself prefer wool and polka dots, checks, chevron stripe, checkerboard, paisley or anything day-glow, I will wear them all — usually several times in a row because they never get matched back up and I won't see them again.

  • The present itself doesn't matter. Just remind me that I'm a dad, and that's the real gift.

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Davison Cheney attended a university to became proficient in music and theater, preparing him to be unemployed and to over-react. Check out his blog


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