Pornography is an accumulation of manufactured, fake set-up situations that are trying to appear real and normal. Just the fact that the subjects are playing to a camera and the public eye creates a circumstance that is not genuine. It is not farfetched to say an addiction to pornography would carry some of those manufactured, unrealistic expectations and ideas into an addict's intimate life.
There is always a discrepancy between something that is fake and something real, something that is false and something true. One of the ways a pornography addiction tries to make up for its discrepancy is to tell lies. Lies to the addict, lies to the spouse and lies to their marriage.
The following are only five of the lies experienced by and told to couples when one of them has a pornography or sexual addiction.
1. You are not good enough
For the addict: It would be hard not to compare yourself to people and lifestyles that you are constantly being told are desirable and acceptable. Pornography at its core is a fabricated, unnatural, arranged business, and yet one of pornography's main purposes is to make you think what it shows is exciting and normal. Trying to compete or compare to anything fabricated is an unfair burden on yourself and others.
For the spouse of an addict: When a husband or wife finds someone else desirable and seeks after that person (whether or not they are on the computer screen or in a magazine), it makes their spouse question why. They may wonder if they did not satisfy their spouse in some way or if they "are not good enough." In reality, the spouse of an addict has nothing to do with their spouse's addiction.
In an article, Lili Bee, Founder of PoSARC.com wrote, "Sadly, we believe (wrongly) that if we were only more of this or less of that, he would not have "had" to develop this most selfish of all habits, the compulsive use of pornography. Tragically, in looking for what's wrong with us, we overlook all that is beautiful and right with our magnificent bodies."
Someone else's creation, idea, issue or addiction does not reflect someone else's worth.
2. Your sorrow will never end
As with other trials, addiction can bring a sadness that feels all-encompassing. Since we are talking about an addictive cycle, that sadness continues to renew itself in the lives of addicts and their families on a continual basis. Sometimes it feels like it will never end.
Mankind is meant to overcome trials and find joy in growing. This quote from Helen Keller says it all.
"The marvelous richness of human experience would lose something of rewarding joy if there were no limitations to overcome. The hilltop hour would not be half so wonderful if there were no dark valleys to traverse."
Knowing the sorrow helps us appreciate and try to understand the joy. Still, being in the "valley" is difficult. Thankfully, we all have the "hilltop" to work towards. No matter how many times we get knocked down, we have the right to get back up and keep pushing forward.
3. Joining in your spouse's addiction will be helpful to your marriage
According to pornharms.com and the National Center on Sexual Exploitation, "While at first using porn may seem fun or beneficial, it inevitably leads to a drastic disconnect between partners. Porn is addictive and leaves the viewer with a cache of images to pluck from memory. These images become your sexual partner…not the person you are with."
The pornharms.com site continues on to say, "Sexual interactions become about playing out a scene and not about enjoying your partner."
There are many things that that hinder real, face to face relationships with real people. One of these, pornography, is a vice that corrupts what should be an integral part of what is normally a very personal, special and respectful act.
4. Everyone does pornography, so why worry about it?
In an article on fightthenewdrug.com, it says, "it has become almost commonplace for us to assume porn's presence is inevitable; that it'll reach all of us, and there's nothing we can do about it."
They later say in response to a list of pornography statistics, "These problems aren't going away as long as people continue to justify the consumption of porn. "
When we accept pornography, child pornography (check into what is actually illegal), infidelity, prostitution and the other facets of the sexual exploitation industry as the norm we accept the consequences as being the norm as well.
5. No one else understands what you are going through
Whether you are an addict or the spouse of an addict, you may find yourself in a lonely situation. Many times people don't talk about their or their spouse's addiction. They may be embarrassed, afraid it will reflect poorly on them or they may be afraid of how others will view them. As a result, there are a lot of people going through this trial by themselves. They don't realize how many others are going through the exact same thing.
You can contact Jenelle at writejenelle (AT) gmail.com . She also blogs about fighting pornography, dealing with your spouse's sexual addiction, dealing with addiction in general and other related content at Get2theGist.blogspot.com