6 ways to deal with a wife who needs to vent

The smart husband knows what's good for him — swallowing the "I told you so," listening, comforting ... and did we mention listening?

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  • When women need to vent — and some do it often — there are some very specific guidelines all men should follow if they don't want their heads bitten off in the process.

  • It doesn't matter if a wife is venting about work, kids or her sister. These rules should always apply — and they'll work for daughters, sisters, mothers and in-laws too. So, if there are any women at all in your life, this advice is for you.

  • Be a good listener

  • The first thing to do is to set aside any and all distractions. Put your phone across the room, turn off the TV and turn down the music so you don't have other sounds competing for your attention. Your wife might not mention it at the time, but she'll notice when you've focused yourself completely on her. Here are some other tips for being a good listener:

    • Keep your eyes on her. Don't dart them to your watch or the clock on the wall.

    • Nod occasionally but not constantly, or she'll think you're tuning out and just nodding to make her think you're listening.

    • When she pauses for breath or gets sidetracked, be ready to jump in with, "So what you're saying is..." Then, paraphrase what she's just said. It's the ultimate proof you're listening.

    • If you must leave the room, don't just yell, "I'm still listening!" and figure that covers you. Ask your wife to come with you or pause her story so you don't miss anything.

  • Don't try to fix it

  • Part of being a good listener is keeping your own opinions and advice to yourself for the time being. For instance, if your wife is complaining about a conflict with a family member and the solution seems obvious to you, don't immediately start explaining to her how to fix it.

  • The thing about venting is, your wife just wants to be heard. She might already know how to fix her problem and just needs to work it out herself. You telling her the answer robs her of a process that helps her work out her anger. Alternatively, she might completely disagree with your suggestion (you might have jumped in too soon before hearing the true crux of the matter), and you'll end up being the target of her rage. Unless she asks you for advice, keep quiet.

  • Save the "I told you so" for later

  • Maybe you warned your wife in advance about her current dilemma. Perhaps you think that her mistake was so obvious and avoidable that you want to blurt out, "Why would you do something like that?"

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  • "Mid-vent" is not the time to criticize a woman. If you do, the result might be explosive. However, when your wife has had time to cool off, do feel free to offer her some friendly suggestions on what she might do another time. Save the "I told you so" for later.

  • ...On second thought, don't ever tell her, "I told you so."

  • 10 things nobody told you about being married
  • Offer physical touch, but don't force it

  • Some women really need to be held in times of distress. Your wife might feel hurt or vulnerable or scared and need to know you support her. If your wife is one whose love language is physical touch, hold her hand, put your arm around her or give her a hug once in a while.

  • If, on the other hand, your wife doesn't like to be touched when she's angry, don't try to force it because you think she needs it. More likely, she'll lash out like a cornered tiger, and you'll be the one in her path. Instead, just be near her and continue being a good listener.

  • Remember, it isn't about you

  • The experience your wife relates to you might sound uncannily like something that happened to you or your buddy or your friend at work, but now isn't the time to launch into your own story — no matter how educational you feel it might be. Your story might be totally applicable to the situation. You still shouldn't share it. The moment your wife allows herself to vent might be the only time of day she gets to talk about herself. Don't detract from her moment.

  • Let her have some alone time

  • It's tough to go from a vent to a normal conversation, so don't be surprised if your wife needs a few minutes to calm down after she's explained a problem to you. Watch the kids if you have any. Let your wife go for a walk, a drive, or just go into the bedroom to scream into a pillow. She'll return a much happier and relieved woman for having gotten all that stress and worry off her chest.

  • 5 simple things you can do today to make your wife feel more loved
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Katie Nielsen received her bachelor's in English with an emphasis in technical writing. She has taught English and is a published writer.

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