Love thy neighbor. It’s in the best-selling book. “How can I best express my affection for my neighbor to my neighbor?” you may ask.
Well… here’s what not to do.
Mow your lawn on Sunday morning. Get a good start on the day by beginning at 8 a.m. And leave your grass clippings in a pile next to the fence. Nothing smells like neighbor more than nature's soil-ent green after a day in the heat.
Make sure to turn the music on full blast when you are washing the car, or sun tanning in the backyard. Hard rock or Banda works well — don’t play anything tasteful, like ABBA or the Judds. And remember that volume is everything. Everybody wants to hear your music.
Speaking of the middle of the night, get yourself a good strong halogen work light. With this incredible fixture you can extend your working hours into the evening and early morning.
Evening is a great time to paint your house, work on the car or burn a few weeds. Remember the fun things you used to do with lamps in the dark? You can fall in love with shadow puppets all over again. Also, dogs love being bathed at night in a tub in the backyard. After all, this is your property, and you can do whatever you want with it.
If you are arguing with your spouse, you may as well let the neighbors know who is really to blame. Men, you will have to be twice as loud as your woman because of the shrill factor, so really belt it out. Open a door or a window. And remember to swear. The bluer the better. How else are the study abroad kids going to learn to speak proper A‘merican.
Don’t feed your pets. It saves on pet food if you let your pets wander to the neighbors for a meal or two. After all, you could use what you save on cat chow for three extra Slurpees a week. And don’t fence your pet in. We live in a free land and so do Bonkers and Mrs. White toes. Let them roam the neighborhood. Free range and freedom for all — especially chicken. There is a land of bugs and more bugs for them in the flower gardens and intricate barked pathways of your cul-de-sac.
Leave your garbage can in the front of the house or right close to the back door for easy disposal. Remember that the more bugs you attract, the happier your chicken will be. And flies are our neighbor in nature, too.
Dandelions are wonderful for sharing. They are a buttery yellow that — in combination with the white of plastic milk cartons left in your yard — represent the very essence of summer. And weren’t they lovely in Belle’s song at the beginning of my favorite Disney animation — seed pods floating by gently as she sang about wanting adventure. Though your neighbors pay to have a guy spray weekly for weeds, they will love the adventure that is a dandelion (or 40) as well.