Everywhere you look, people are ready to offer advice about life. People are more than ready to tell you what to do. Some advice is super helpful while others — not so much.
Based on hours of research and the study of my own experiences, along with those of my fellow women, the following advice is the most helpful information for husbands to follow in order to keep their wives happy. Ladies, grab your man and bring him over. What I’m about to say will change your world.
On second thought, these tips really aren’t that great. Ladies, grab your man and bring him over so he knows what not to do (in no particular order.)
Don’t help with the “water chores” — laundry and dishes.
Women don’t need help with chores such as laundry and dishes. In fact, we love these chores. So please, let us handle them. If you surprise us by doing them without being asked, you will not only get in our way, you will throw off our groove, and you will take away a little piece of our hearts. We would break and shatter. Just leave these chores up to us.
Please just fix all our problems.
When we start talking about the hard things we are facing, we know your natural response is to simply listen and give us a shoulder to cry on. Really, that’s not what we want. We don’t need to cry, and we certainly don’t need you to listen to us. That’s what girlfriends are for. Just fix the problem, and everyone will be happy.
Talk to your wife as if she is one of the guys.
We love endless swearing. We also love hearing the objectification of women’s bodies (because that’s always OK) especially how we compare to your ex-girlfriends. And don’t forget, we love the constant talk of ESPN. Keep it comin’.
Believe you are perfect.
You have no room for growth. Really. Everything you do is something to be applauded and rejoiced. It hurts us to see you apologize for things or admit flaws. Please spare us that pain and just assume your perfection is a gift to our marriage.
Have no opinions.
Opinions make us mad. When we ask for your opinion, all we really want is for you to say you don’t care so we can make the decision by ourselves. The fewer opinions you have, the better.
Constantly complain about your job.
Nothing could make us want to love you more than the constant complaints of your job. It’s like, “Aw, how sad and cute is he? I’ve heard these same complaints over and over again, and it just never gets old. I’m glad he keeps telling me how awful his job is because I would never understand it if he didn’t tell me 50 times a day.” If you ever think the conversation is a drag, just turn it to how much you hate your job. That will pick the pace right up.
If you did something wrong, it’s OK. We don’t need to know. Just give it a little white lie and let’s be on our merry way. Those little lies don’t count. When you fib a little, it actually protects us from the negative feelings that might engulf us if we actually know the problem. What we don’t know won’t hurt us. Remember that.
Refer to the third trimester as the “beached whale” trimester.
When we are pregnant with our children, nothing will make us laugh more than you joking about us being a beached whale. It’s really funny.
Keep reading that book or website when your wife starts talking to you.
If we really want your attention, we will make sure to say, “I need your attention right now.” Every time. If we don’t start our sentences with that phrase, what we have to say really is not that important.
When you watch porn, it shows us how much you love us because you are finding new, fun ways to please us behind closed doors. Not to mention how your porn-watching boosts our self-esteem and makes us feel like we have value to you.
Men, if you want to help your marriage thrive, please don’t take this advice. In fact, doing the opposite of each item will be likely to enhance feelings of love and passion in your marriage.