8 ways to exact revenge on your teenager

Teenagers can make a parent's life miserable. Here are eight ways to get back at your teens for all the stress and trouble they cause you.

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  • Raising children can be a very rewarding experience, but there’s a period of time between childhood and adulthood that your son or daughter will make your life miserable — the teen years. You can cope by seeing a therapist, praying a lot or just pulling all your hair out. Or you could get even by making their life even more miserable. Sure, it’s petty, but it’s fun. Here are some ways to go about it:

  • Be the cool mom or dad

  • You may not be able to get your teenager to like you, but you can probably get all their friends to like you. Be nice to them, give them treats and make them laugh. Nothing will exasperate your teen more than trying to explain to their friends why you are not as fun as you seem.

  • Play music really loudly that your teenager doesn’t like

  • They do it all the time, so why shouldn’t you? As a parent, you should hopefully have a louder stereo and be able to win any battle. Amp it up a notch by dancing to the music.

  • Just say no

  • When your teen wants to do something that is completely reasonable, be completely unreasonable. Listen to their arguments, let them get emotional, but refuse to be swayed. And don’t give any explanation — just say, “Because I said so.”

  • Subvert communications

  • Send texts to your teen’s friends saying you won’t be able to do anything this weekend because you’re being treated for a weird fungus growth. Compose an ode to Pokemon or My Little Pony and post it as your teen on Facebook.

  • Copy them

  • Teens spend so much effort trying to establish themselves as individuals that your mimicry will drive them crazy. Dress like your teenagers. Do your hair the way they do. Start listening to their music. Try to become exactly like them.

  • Charge them for your services

  • When your teen is not pulling their weight around the house, bill them at a market rate for everything you provide. Meals, beverages, bedroom rent, and their share of utilities are all fair game. Charge them for rides as if you were a taxi service, or charge them a daily rental fee to borrow a car. Use any money you make to buy a louder sound system (see tip #2).

  • Play matchmaker

  • Constantly suggest good dating prospects. Focus on characteristics teens don’t care about, like, “He’s so responsible,” or, “She’s always very punctual.” Bonus points if you actually invite candidates to dinner with your family.

  • Give them really good advice

  • Teenagers will do the exact opposite of whatever you say, so this is an ideal way to sabotage them without them even knowing it. Revenge is sweet when they finally realize you were right all along and you get to say, “I told you so!”

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  • Is your teen a perfect angel? “Oh, I would never do these things to them!” Or maybe you’re just not the vindictive type. You’re making a big mistake. Who will cause trouble in your teen’s life if you don’t? What will they possibly find to complain about if not your actions? And most importantly, how will you get laughs if it isn’t at your teen’s expense? Do your kid a favor and antagonize them every chance you get.

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Dan Florence is a humor blogger, high-tech product marketer, photographer, and a bunch of other impressive stuff. Read his comedy at danoftheday.com, see his photography at danflorence.com, or check out his vintage 3D gifs at vintage3d.tumblr.com.

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