Help! I'm not attracted to my spouse anymore

There may come a time in your marriage when you don't feel attracted to your spouse anymore. Here are some suggestions to help you deal with those feelings.

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  • When we are young, we think we will be beautiful forever and we expect our spouses to be, also. However, life doesn't work that way. She may never lose the baby weight. He may lose a little hair. There may come a time in your marriage when you don't feel attracted to your spouse anymore. Here are some suggestions to help you deal with those feelings.

  • Lower your expectations

  • So, your husband is no longer the perfect Adonis that you married while in college? Duh. Have you seen old people? The process of merely existing for long periods of time will do horrible things to your body. Chances are, your husband will never return to the football physique he had when you met and will most likely continue to decline.

  • Look in the mirror

  • I suspect that you are not the same ball of hotness you were when you married, either. Have you both fallen into a rut? Is it just easier to be comfortable than cute? If you take better care of your own appearance, then chances are your spouse will be inspired to do so as well.

  • My husband is a stress-eater. Many years ago, I came down with a chronic illness. I gained several pounds, and my empathetic and stressed husband gained weight with me. Recently, I started Clean Eating to improve my overall health. In the process, I lost 25 pounds. When my husband noticed my weight loss, he decided to work on his own weight. Now, he is becoming fit and muscle-y — and I didn't have to say a word.

  • Go treasure hunting

  • Your beautiful wife is still in there! I'm sure there are individual things about her that you still find attractive. She might have beautiful eyes, a warm smile or great legs. Focus on the things that you like rather than fixating on those things you don't.

  • Compliment your spouse often

  • Your attention can be very rewarding. Let your husband know when he looks good, and he might be inspired to look that way more often.

  • Because of my illness, I do not get out of the house very much. At first, I only dressed in my comfortable jeans and T-shirts because, why bother? No one would see me. Then, I decided that I wanted to look good just for me. I bought myself a couple of new outfits and some accessories. I started dressing nicely every day.

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  • My husband noticed immediately and complimented me. He'd say, “Wow, you really look fantastic,” or, “Kids, doesn't your mom look great? Isn't she beautiful?” It made me feel wonderful, and it definitely made me want to look good for him all the time.

  • Go out more

  • When was the last time you gave your wife a reason to look good? Dinner at a family restaurant and a movie in a dark theater don't require more than sweats or jeans and a T-shirt. Try going out to a nice restaurant or taking her to a play or the ballet. Get together with friends and experiment with new activities. Bonus: The American Psychological Association says that learning something new boosts the neurochemical dopamine, which increases sexual desire – for both of you.

  • Honor the sacrifices that have changed your spouse

  • Giving birth and breastfeeding babies changes a woman's body. Working long hours and worrying about the well-being of his family can change a man's body, too. Recognize the toll that your spouse's sacrifices have taken on the body, and honor the one you love for them.

  • Redefine “attractive.”

  • Your husband may have grown a bit around the waist, but I bet he has grown in other areas, too. Acknowledge the ways he has become a better person.

  • My husband is a wonderful father. Watching him play with our children, go to their sporting events and talk with them until midnight makes me feel very attracted to him. He is a man of integrity, and he is kind. Watching him reach out to those less fortunate and help others is very attractive to me. He is a great husband. Watching him help out around the home after a long day at work, just to make my life easier, is downright sexy.

  • Your physical attraction for your spouse may not be as strong as the day you were married. That's OK. You now have an opportunity to deepen your relationship in other areas, and you'll be surprised at how attractive that can be.

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Shelli Howells is a creative fiction writer, and a mother of six.

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