How to change a toddler's diaper: Step by step instructions for dad

Nobody likes to change a diaper. But sometimes, despite your best powers of procrastination and avoidance, you’re forced to do the chore. It may be your first time, or you might just be looking for pointers on how to improve your technique.

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  • Nobody likes to change a diaper. But sometimes, despite your best powers of procrastination and avoidance, you’re forced to do the chore. It may be your first time, or you might just be looking for pointers on how to improve your technique. Either way, this tutorial is for you.

  • Locate the child

  • This step can be more difficult than you might expect, as toddlers are startlingly mobile at times.

  • Locate the diapers (use disposable diapers, they are your friend)

  • Pick one that looks sturdy and take it to your changing surface. The changing surface can be a changing table, rug, bed, floor or any flat, sturdy surface. Be aware that the child may try to roll off of the surface, and this could be a falling hazard. Just kidding — the child will definitely try to roll off the surface.

  • Place the diaper on the floor in front of you

  • Open the diaper so the inside is facing up and the side of the diaper with the fasteners is farthest away from you.

  • Locate the child again

  • (Why are they so fast?) Bring the child to the changing surface.

  • Lay the child down on top of the diaper

  • Line up the fastener edge of the diaper with the child’s waistline on their back. If that doesn’t make sense, don’t worry; the kid isn’t going to hold still anyway.

  • Remove the child’s pants

  • If he is wearing any, or unbutton whatever strange clothing is blocking the diaper area. For some reason, toddlers’ clothes have an inordinate number of buttons.

  • Unfasten the diaper that child is wearing

  • Pull the front of the diaper away from the child. Oh, no! The kid is stinky!

  • Search around frantically for some baby wipes

  • The baby wipes are across the room or in another room. (Actually, who knows where they are?) Go find them.

  • Wait! Return to child and refasten the stinky diaper

  • If he is on an elevated surface, set him down.

  • Return from the store after buying new package of wipes

  • Your child likely put them in the garbage when you weren’t looking. Set the wipes next to the diaper.

  • Locate the child

  • Bring the child back to the changing surface. Lay the child back down. Open the fasteners and fold back the front of the diaper.

  • Use wipes to clean the mess off of the child

  • The child has reached down to see what you are doing and now has some of the mess on his hand. Clean it off quickly with a wipe before it gets all over everything.

  • Try to block the child’s repeated attempts to put hands down there while you continue to wipe them clean

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  • Keep the child from trying to roll over

  • Now your child has managed to get mess on the clean diaper and on the changing surface. And on his hands again.

  • Take the child to the shower

  • While transferring your child to the shower, do your best to keep the mess from spreading as the child tries to grab anything within reach and wriggle out of your hands as you walk.

  • Hose the kid down

  • Use lots of soap.

  • Towel-dry the child and wrestle him into a new, clean diaper

  • Keep the child away from the mess with a baby gate or closed door

  • Clean the mess with a million disinfecting wipes. Put any soiled fabric directly into the washing machine with a ridiculous amount of bleach. Throw everything else in an outside garbage can and wash your hands 50 times.

  • At this point, you’re all done. Congrats! With any luck, you won’t have to do this again for a couple of hours.

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Dan Florence is a humor blogger, high-tech product marketer, photographer, and a bunch of other impressive stuff. Read his comedy at danoftheday.com, see his photography at danflorence.com, or check out his vintage 3D gifs at vintage3d.tumblr.com.

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