How I coped with a miscarriage

A miscarriage is something that I wouldn't wish upon anyone. After having gone through it myself, I hope a few of my thoughts may help you out in one of your darkest times.

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  • I never could have fully prepared myself for the incredible pain, sorrow and confusion I felt when I first received news that our baby was gone. Gone! Those weeks and weeks of morning sickness had felt very real, and that fatigue I had felt was similar to what I had experienced with my first two pregnancies.

  • Because we have two children, and pregnancies with both of them were about as uncomplicated as they come, we decided to tell our families and friends a little earlier than usual. We couldn't contain our excitement! When I first found out the tragic news, I was so frustrated that we had told everyone already. But looking back, I'm not sure that I could have done it without the support of so many. Those cards, flowers, and meals definitely helped to bring me out of my sorrow.

  • Many of my friends announced their pregnancies right during this moment of darkness and though I felt so much joy for them (and still do!) a part of me got scared that they would have to go through the same things I was dealing with. And, of course, a part of me got jealous.

  • Thoughts of blame kept creeping into my mind (even when people reassured me over and over again that it wasn't my fault), and I wished I could backtrack and do something differently to save that precious little child. I will be more faithful at taking my pre-natal vitamins. I will go to bed earlier and get a full night's rest. I will eat healthier than ever before. I will exercise until I'm as fit as can be...

  • Whether you've already announced the news, or you are dealing with miscarriage in silence, here are a few things that may help as you try to grasp reality and come to terms with this sobering fact.

  • Write

  • Record your thoughts. How are you honestly feeling? Writing is so therapeutic for me and I filled pages and pages during those first few days when I didn't know what else to do. Here is a little excerpt, taken from my personal blog:

  • My heart is broken today and the tears won't stop flowing. We lost our sweet baby today at 12 weeks and no words seem adequate. It is a difficult thing to cope with and the only things getting me through it are my Heavenly Father, my husband, and our two sweet children. I was just reading an article about dealing with a miscarriage and one lady wrote, "It's hard to say goodbye when you never had the chance to say hello." How true that is. My heart aches that I won't be able to gaze into those precious innocent eyes and stroke those velvety cheeks. Those tiny fingers won't curl around mine and I won't be able to hear that sweet small cry. This is something that I knew would most likely happen at some point, but I hoped it never would and I feel so unprepared. I was caught way off guard and I definitely didn't see it coming. (Excerpt taken from my personal blog here.)

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  • Talk with those you love

  • If you know of a close friend or loved one who has experienced a miscarriage before, confiding in them can help to lift your burden. Because I had already announced our pregnancy, many friends came to me and shared that they too had gone through a miscarriage — and I had never known! Those conversations and messages were some that I truly cherished.

  • Honor your baby

  • If you were able to receive ultrasound pictures of your baby before the miscarriage happened, cherish and save those special things. Many women (like myself) have no tangible evidence that a baby ever existed. It can be a hard thing to come to terms with. For ideas on what you can do to remember your baby, this article is a good one. If you live in the U.S., Oct. 15 is a day set aside for pregnancy and infant loss remembrance. Taking part in that may help as well.

  • Remember that healing takes time. It may be quite a while before you feel at peace with things, let alone to think about trying for another baby. However long it takes you, just remember that you are not alone!

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Jessie McKinley is a city girl living in a small town. A graduate in Home and Family Living, she now puts her knowledge to use daily as she teaches and raises her two young children, whom she adores.

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