I never could have fully prepared myself for the incredible pain, sorrow and confusion I felt when I first received news that our baby was gone. Gone! Those weeks and weeks of morning sickness had felt very real, and that fatigue I had felt was similar to what I had experienced with my first two pregnancies.
Because we have two children, and pregnancies with both of them were about as uncomplicated as they come, we decided to tell our families and friends a little earlier than usual. We couldn't contain our excitement! When I first found out the tragic news, I was so frustrated that we had told everyone already. But looking back, I'm not sure that I could have done it without the support of so many. Those cards, flowers, and meals definitely helped to bring me out of my sorrow.
Many of my friends announced their pregnancies right during this moment of darkness and though I felt so much joy for them (and still do!) a part of me got scared that they would have to go through the same things I was dealing with. And, of course, a part of me got jealous.
Thoughts of blame kept creeping into my mind (even when people reassured me over and over again that it wasn't my fault), and I wished I could backtrack and do something differently to save that precious little child. I will be more faithful at taking my pre-natal vitamins. I will go to bed earlier and get a full night's rest. I will eat healthier than ever before. I will exercise until I'm as fit as can be...
Whether you've already announced the news, or you are dealing with miscarriage in silence, here are a few things that may help as you try to grasp reality and come to terms with this sobering fact.
Record your thoughts. How are you honestly feeling? Writing is so therapeutic for me and I filled pages and pages during those first few days when I didn't know what else to do. Here is a little excerpt, taken from my personal blog:
My heart is broken today and the tears won't stop flowing. We lost our sweet baby today at 12 weeks and no words seem adequate. It is a difficult thing to cope with and the only things getting me through it are my Heavenly Father, my husband, and our two sweet children. I was just reading an article about dealing with a miscarriage and one lady wrote, "It's hard to say goodbye when you never had the chance to say hello." How true that is. My heart aches that I won't be able to gaze into those precious innocent eyes and stroke those velvety cheeks. Those tiny fingers won't curl around mine and I won't be able to hear that sweet small cry. This is something that I knew would most likely happen at some point, but I hoped it never would and I feel so unprepared. I was caught way off guard and I definitely didn't see it coming. (Excerpt taken from my personal blog here.)
If you know of a close friend or loved one who has experienced a miscarriage before, confiding in them can help to lift your burden. Because I had already announced our pregnancy, many friends came to me and shared that they too had gone through a miscarriage — and I had never known! Those conversations and messages were some that I truly cherished.
Honor your baby
If you were able to receive ultrasound pictures of your baby before the miscarriage happened, cherish and save those special things. Many women (like myself) have no tangible evidence that a baby ever existed. It can be a hard thing to come to terms with. For ideas on what you can do to remember your baby, this article is a good one. If you live in the U.S., Oct. 15 is a day set aside for pregnancy and infant loss remembrance. Taking part in that may help as well.
Remember that healing takes time. It may be quite a while before you feel at peace with things, let alone to think about trying for another baby. However long it takes you, just remember that you are not alone!