I have fallen out of love
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I have been married for 23 years and have struggled with staying in love with my husband due to his porn addiction. This last time I confronted him about it he had taken it to the next level and was visiting chat rooms and having an on line affair with a family/childhood friend. He came into the marriage with the problem and hid it from me for the first 17 years blaming me for our problems. After it was finally out in the open why we were struggling so much to make this union work, we started going to therapy. As far as I know he has been sober for two years but that is the problem, I don't know if he is being honest with me or not. I can't find any trust for him at all for fear of being hurt again. I am finding myself drifting further and further away from him. I have a hard time being intimate with him because I don't want to be one of "his girls". I have tried to rekindle the fire by making sure we go out on dates often but he doesn't act like he is having any fun. He won't talk about our obvious problems and gets mad if I bring it up. He says I need to let it go, forgive and forget and move on. I have forgiven him but the trust is not so easily found. It's easy for him to say that I need to forget, he wasn't the one who was betrayed and lied to for so many years. I just don't know if I can keep trying to make it work. I feel that at this point I am only hanging on because of the financial reasons, my kids are all grown and on their own so I don't even have that reason to stay anymore. I just feel so empty and alone and don't know what I need to do for myself anymore.
Sorry, I forgot the link to the group I was telling you about. Here it is:
My heart just aches and is breaking for you! I can't imagine what you have been going through and I also want to commend you for fighting for your marriage! Especially when I'm sure so many others would have given up. You are amazingly strong!
I agree with what has already been suggested. There is actually a group here on family share for wives of porn addicts. I have included the link for this group at the bottom. I hope that you can find some strength and peace in communicating with this group. Pornography is just an awful disease and addiction that is incredibly difficult to overcome once you have allowed yourself to succumb to it.
I would agree to continue with therapy. I want to preface what I'm about to say by saying that I DO NOT advocate divorce and don't think it is something to be taken lightly. On the other hand I do feel that there are certain and rare situations where divorce is necessary. I believe that everyone deserves to be truly happy. If you hadn't tried so hard to keep your marriage in tact then I would never suggest considering divorce. However, I feel that if your husband doesn't think he has a problem and doesn't want to put in the work to gain your trust back then there isn't much else you can do. It takes two in order to make a marriage work. If you are religious I would also suggest lots of prayer and scripture study and perhaps speaking with a trusted leader.
I truly, from the bottom of my heart, want you to find peace and happiness whether it is with your husband in a good marriage or without him in rebuilding your life. I hope that things get better for you and know that we are all here to help in any way that we can! Please take care and keep us updated!
What a difficult situation for you. I can't imagine the hurt you are feeling, and have felt for so many years. Its been stated that pornography (in some form or another) is now responsible for about a third of divorces these days. I commend you for working hard at your marriage and trying to make things work. You are a strong woman!
I like what hopefulmom said. I think I would just add that going to a religious leader for advice might also help you get through this. Finding comfort in your faith is something that can do loads of repair to your soul.
Trust is a tricky thing when its been broken. Ever heard that saying, "Trust can take years to build, seconds to break and a lifetime to regain." I think your husband needs to realize he needs to prove himself to you every day. He has broken your trust and must regain it through his actions.
I wish you the best... please keep us updated on your progress! Thank you for sharing your story.
Oh, bingy, I am so sorry for what you are going through!! That is so tough. Pornography can be so destructive, and can be so hard to kick. Are the two of you still going to therapy? Do you have any time alone with the counselor? It might help if the two of you go to therapy separately, as well as together. I'm sure there are issues that each of you have to deal with separately from your marriage. Also, you could try to find a support group for wives of addicts, because I'm certain you are NOT alone in dealing with this! And try to get out and do things with friends and family. Have a girls night out. I know you said that he doesn't seem to have fun when you go on a date, so maybe try to have him plan a date, so you know it will be something he's interested in. These are just some suggestions I thought of off the top of my head. I hope they can help you!