As a marriage counselor in Denver, Colorado I see a lot of couples who come to me for marriage counseling because they’re having sexual difficulties. One of the most common reasons why a couples' sex life is struggling is because "We have kids. It's hard to find the time or energy to get in the mood."
Sexual intimacy is vitally important to a marriage. It creates romance, passion and spark. It’s one of the only things you share with your spouse that you don’t share with anyone else. It’s a special connection that only the two of you can have. When children come around, and you’re not having sex as frequently as you used to, it's no wonder couples have marriage problems. They just stop feeling as close or connected.
There are lots of ways having children hampers your sex life. For one, many couples just don’t have the kind of time to dedicate toward each other that they used to have. Less time for dates and romance usually means less desire for sex. Second, after a long day of chauffeuring children around, cleaning up after them, making sure they have their homework done, teeth brushed, and they’re off to bed at a decent time, you just don’t feel in the mood for sex. Finally, as your children grow older — so do you. You just don’t feel as attractive as you used to.
Couples who don’t have a good sex life rarely have a good marriage. What are some things you can do to keep your sex life rockin’ after children come knockin? Here are five quick tips:
Make time for the two of you
You have a calendar for your family so you don’t forget all the activities for your children, important birthdays, and other appointments. When was the last time you saw something on that calendar for you and your spouse? Your relationship is as much a priority as your child’s soccer practice. Put it on your calendar, and don’t move it.
Reassure your spouse of your affection for her
Your body changes as you age. As a result, your spouse may not feel as attractive as she did before kids. When your spouse doesn’t feel sexy, he doesn't feel as excited for sex. Reassuring your spouse of your affection for him helps him to feel loved, cared for, and attractive.
With children around, you don’t have as much private time in the bedroom. Don’t waste the private time you do have on foreplay. Foreplay doesn’t have to be physical. Sending each other sexy text messages throughout the day and notes in each other's lunch boxes are just as effective as physical foreplay.
With children around, sex can’t be as spontaneous as it used to be. There’s a greater risk of being interrupted. Instead of waiting until all the conditions are right (which might take a long time), get creative about where and when to do it. Sex can still be connecting and romantic at creative times and places.
Too tired is not a good reason
After the kids are finally in bed, you’re so exhausted that the last thing on your mind is sex. When your spouse makes an advance, you end up having a whole conversation about why you’re not in the mood and how upset you are that he would even think about sex after the kind of day you just had. Just think, you probably could have had sex and skipped the fight you just had. Besides, there are few things that help you sleep better than snuggling up with your spouse after a connecting night of sex.
All couples’ lives change after having kids. But, the quality of your sex life doesn’t have to. These are just five quick tips on how you can keep your sex life rockin’ after children come knockin’. There are many more ways you can create intimacy, spark and passion in and out of the bedroom so you can still have a rockin’ sex life. Remember, intimacy is a vital part of your marriage. Sex with your spouse is the only thing you share with them that you don’t share with others. It’s a perfect way to create intimacy, romance and spark in your marriage. Don’t neglect yourself or your spouse by neglecting your sex life.
Aaron Anderson is a therapist and Director of The Marriage and Family Clinic in Denver, CO. He is a writer, speaker and relationship expert. Checkout his blog for expert information on how to improve your relationship.